


When The Joker's Wild

by orphan_account



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman (Movies - Nolan), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Baking, Dark, Fluffy, Humor, M/M, Mild Angst, Relationship(s), Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2018-12-25 02:15:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 18,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12025980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The Joker has just escaped from Arkham and teams up with Dr. Jonathan Crane to bring Gotham to it's knees. Adventure and romance ensue.





	1. Chapter 1

The Joker walked down the street humming to himself. It was past midnight and the streets of the Narrows were nearly deserted. After his most recent escape from Arkham he found himself in need of a new crew, his last gang had failed miserably in their timing of the explosives, resulting in a disappointing evening that concluded with the Joker's umpteenth stopover in the loony bin. He walked along planning his next escapade, thoughts of gasoline and dynamite dancing round his head. As he became more excited he soon found himself skipping. He rounded a corner and ran into something soft, and he fell; all purple coat tails and flying green hair.

"Hey man watch where you're fucking going" The person shouted. "You're gonna get killed out here"

The Joker straightened himself and looked the kid over. He was a young man in his late teens, but youth was no excuse for rudeness. The Joker felt his haphazard smile become more menacing as he began to think of how he could set this boy on the right path. He reached into his pocket and fondled his knife lovingly.

"You wanna know how I got these scars?" He asked his voice rough from hours of neglect. "One day I was walking down the street just minding my own business, some guy walks up to me. This guy, real ugly, is muttering something under his breath. I ask him what he thinks he's doing walking alone, crazy guy like him should be locked up. He motions me closer and I come closer. He keeps talking so I can barely hear him. When I get close enough he whips out a straight razor and slices my face up like this. He starts laughing, something about 'who looks crazy now', and walks off. Do you know what the lesson of the story is?"

The kid stood fidgeting and doing his best not to look nervous. Finally he shrugged and cocked his head slightly to one side. The Joker watched him a moment before continuing.

"Never talk to strangers." With that he pulled out his knife and slit the kid's throat. The boy sank to his knees as the blood ran freely across the grimy sidewalk. The Joker crouched down and wiped his blade on the boy's shirt before standing. "Don't look so bad, the advice was free."

Continuing his journey he walked by a broken down bar, no longer in business except as a hangout for local gangs. He was about to walk right past it when he heard a voice he recognized, and the sound of it brought that terrible grin to his face. He paused, and listened to the shouted conversation coming through the broken windows.

"I was here first, does no one remember that? I brought Gotham to its knees. The only reason these other 'villains' have so much success was because I weakened this city. My crimes were crimes of intellect, they had purpose. Now Gotham is slave to raving lunatics, lunatics I have much experience with by the way." A sound of shattering glass followed this tirade, and a weary voice spoke next.

"Doctor Crane why don't you just go home, I think you may have had a bit too much to drink—"An incomprehensible objection cut him off, but stopped a second later. "Look Doctor you can barely even stand, just get out of here before you hurt yourself" And this it seems was the Joker's cue.

He kicked open the door. It was already half way open, but what's an entrance without a bang? He grabbed a bottle of whiskey from Crane's hands and took a swig, ignoring the good doctor's protests, before placing it back in the doctor's lap and turning to the other occupants of the room. They were a varied bunch all wearing the same expression, a mixture of shock and terror, most likely a result of the Joker's presence. The Joker smiled at this and took a bow.

"I can see I've left you all speechless, but really gentlemen it's rude to stare. It makes a lady self-conscious you know. What's going on here and why wasn't I invited?"

One of the men, clearly the leader of the group, stood up. "I'm sorry Joker; Doctor Crane here just happened to come here tonight and had too much to drink. I've been trying to get him to leave."

"And why would you be doing that? The Doctor and I are going into business together." The Joker announced, enjoying the surprised looks on all the men's face, though the most surprised was Crane himself, who responded by dropping the bottle he had been about to drink from.

"We…we…WHAT?" Doctor Crane finally managed.

"You heard me sweetheart; we're taking this city by storm. All we need is a solid crew. So gentlemen…try outs!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody. This takes place mostly in the Nolanverse, but some things are more like the comics, for instance Jonathan is a psychologist, not a psychiatrist. I just picked that based on preference, but it's important in a later chapter. 
> 
> Also, the later chapters are more lighthearted. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading this. I plan to add two chapters each week.


	2. Chapter 2

Jonathan watched the road with a mixture of fear and nausea as the Joker's manic driving whisked them through the constricted city side roads. Of all the men in the bar only one had survived, a man named Ryan. Crane remembered the 'try outs', as Joker had called them, ending badly. In attempts to kill each other almost every man had sustained injuries that had caused him to bleed out. It took them hours to die; they just lay there on the floor gasping. He found it disturbing; the Joker on the other hand couldn't get enough, sometimes prodding the victims to see if they were still breathing. Jonathan could faintly recall Ryan trying to get him to go home that night. _Why didn't I listen?_ Now they were being towed at breakneck speed in a rundown car the Joker had found parked outside a corner shop.

When they reached their destination, an abandoned warehouse on the river, Joker slammed on the brakes, pitching Jonathan and Ryan forwards. Joker jumped out of the car and walked round to Jonathan's side, opening the door for him and stepping back. Hesitantly Jonathan stepped out of the car and walked with Joker to the door.

A smashed padlock later, Jonathan found himself lifted into Joker's arms bridal style and carried over the doorstep with the Joker shouting at the top of his lungs, "Honey, we're home!" He was carried a little further, struggling against the Joker's iron grip, before being dropped unceremoniously onto the concrete floor in the middle of the room.

When he got up and looked around, he was greeted by the sight of rusted metal beams and grey tinged concrete walls to match the floor; this was exactly the place a madman like the Joker would call home. Still, as he glanced around he felt he had no choice but to point out the obvious.

"There aren't any beds."

In a second he realized his mistake, as the Joker practically sprinted to his side, and wrapped his arms around Jonathan. "Aw honey, you wanna stay over? I mean its sweet and all, but don't you worry were taking it a little fast? We barely just met, and I'm not that kind of girl." A smirk grew across the mutilated face. Jonathan struggled to get away, but after realizing his attempts were futile he relaxed into the hold. Apparently satisfied with this response the Joker let him go and began to walk away, leaving a bewildered Jonathan in his wake.

The Joker walked out the door, slamming it with as much force as was possible considering the rusted state of its hinges. Jonathan stared at the place the Joker had been, and found himself shaking his head. In all his years treating mental illness he had rarely come across a case as fascinating as the Joker. The man seemed unaffected by fear, by disappointment, or by the physical need most humans have. He half remembered the discussions he had overheard while in Arkham. The psychiatrists there had always had conflicting theories as to the nature of the Joker's madness. When Jonathan heard their theories he'd had to keep from bashing his own brains in against the floor. His 'colleagues' could be so obtuse at times, seemingly incapable of complex thinking.

He now had the opportunity to study the Joker first hand, and all he wanted to do was lie down.

Just then the Joker returned, a look of pure satisfaction filling his face. He was spinning his knife idly in his hands and smirking as he closed the distance between himself and Crane. When there was less than a foot between them he stopped, looking Jonathan full in the face. A burst of fear shot through Crane, but he tried to cover it up.

"What were you doing?"

"Taking care of some business" the Joker replied, leaning in. The man's lack of personal space was beginning to frustrate Jonathan. "You know, things that might have, uh, slowed us down."

It finally began to dawn on Jonathan. "Are you talking about Ryan?" The Joker nodded slowly. "I thought you wanted henchmen. Only one survived, and now you've just killed him. Is there any reasoning behind that?"

"Oh but honey, I haven't killed him." The Joker said, becoming visibly excited. "Why don't you come and see?"

With that he grabbed Jonathan's wrist and began running for the door, the force nearly dislocating Jonathan's shoulder as he struggled to keep up. When they reached the car the Joker tapped on the window to the backseat, before stepping aside to let Jonathan look in.

Jonathan could barely see anything when he first looked in, but after his eyes had adjusted, he saw Ryan sprawled across the seats. He had deep wound running across his face, which had twisted his face into a smile similar to the one the Joker wore. In addition, Jonathan could see smaller cuts covering the man's neck, and no indication of breathing.

"He was alive when I left him, scout's honor." The Joker said, with poorly suppressed glee. He seemed in a state of pure excitement, his body practically vibrating. Jonathan made a mental note to add that to the list of symptoms for later examination.

"Alright honey bunch, get in the car." The Joker commanded.

"What? Why?"

"Because I told you to, now get in the car…or… else."

The Joker walked with him to the passenger side and, as before, opened the door for Jonathan, making Jonathan feel incredibly awkward as he got into his seat. This feeling vanished when the Joker slammed the door, almost catching Crane's finger in the process. The Joker got in on his side, and started up the car.

"Shouldn't we get him out of the backseat?" Jonathan ventured. The Joker looked at him as if he had grown two heads, before leaning in, leaving only a few inched between their faces. The Joker stared into his eyes, as if with great meaning, before finally speaking, almost a whisper:

"No"

The Joker returned to his seat and began to back the car up, not bothering to look behind him.

"Where are we going?" Jonathan could hear the irritation in his own voice, but really couldn't care less.

"Breakfast."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody, thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

They pulled up outside a Red Robin and Jonathan did a mental face palm. Of course this was Joker's idea of breakfast. "Um, Joker? I don't think Red Robin is really a breakfast kind of place. I don't know if they're even open." Jonathan ventured.

The Joker turned slowly in his seat, until he was face to face with Jonathan. "Well, breakfast was your idea, so here we are."

"Actually, you're the one who decided we should get breakfast. If it were up to me, we-" Jonathan cut himself off when he noticed the look being directed at him.

"Do you wanna know how I got these scars?"

Jonathan opened his door without a word and began a quick march to the entrance. The noise of a slamming car door alerted him to the Joker's movement. A moment later he felt fetid breath against his cheek as the Joker whispered, "It's not nice to leave when someone's asked you a question, honey. They might think you weren't all that interested."

"Well, where would you get that idea" Jonathan replied bitterly.

"I don't know." The Joker responded suddenly cheerful, "I know I am wonderfully interesting, so your attention is practically guaranteed." He smacked into Jonathan's shoulder as he increased his speed. Why Joker had parked the car in the furthest possible parking space in a large, empty parking lot was beyond even Dr. Crane's expertise.

Jonathan rolled his eyes before jogging to catch up with the Joker. "Why do you want me with you anyway? A man of your innumerable talents should have no trouble conquering this city alone."

"Maybe I just wanted the company." The Joker responded, wrapping an arm around Jonathan, which the doctor quickly shook off.

"I don't think that's true"

"Maybe it is, maybe it's not. All in good time sweetheart." With a flourish he motioned Jonathan to the hours sign.

Jonathan had to bend down slightly to read the tiny lettering, an action he was not entirely comfortable doing around the Joker. Sure enough a moment later he heard the Joker clear his throat, before remarking, "I hope there's a fireman around, 'cause you sure are smokin'."

Jonathan straightened, blushing furiously. "They don't open till eleven, it's only seven. Unless you want to break in and prepare your own meal you are out of luck." With that he turned and stormed off in a huff.

When he reached the car he sat down on the hood, and looked around for the Joker. Not seeing him, Jonathan relaxed, and gazed out to the trees surrounding the empty parking lot.

"Jonathan?" The Joker's voice was almost gentle. Jonathan started; he hadn't noticed the Joker sitting beside him. Wordlessly Jonathan got off the hood of the car and slid into the passenger seat. The Joker followed suit, casting Jonathan a look which could have been misinterpreted as genuine concern. Of course, knowing the Joker, Jonathan knew that was a result of his overactive imagination. Wasn't it?

The drive to the nearest diner was less frenzied than Joker's earlier attempts at driving, though they still scraped the car against a guard rail for a good hundred yards, as Joker searched for his cigarettes. When he finally found them he realized he had dropped his lighter. He suddenly looked over at Jonathan, his eyes boring into the side of Jonathan's head. When Jonathan stared back at him, somewhat bewildered, the Joker finally spoke, "Find it."

Jonathan sighed and unbuckled his seat belt. The lighter was lost likely under Joker's seat and he saw no way of getting it. The dead man flopping around in the back seat left only one possibility. Gathering what courage he had, Jonathan leaned over and began searching under the Joker's seat, straining his neck trying to keep his head as far away from the Joker as possible.

Finally he gave up, letting his cheek rest against Joker's knee as he patted floor looking for the lighter. An uncomfortable moment later the Joker's voice drifted down to Jonathan.

"I could get used to this."

With a jolt Jonathan shot up, his head slamming into the bottom of the steering wheel. This movement caused Joker to swerve, crashing the car into a nearby tree. The air bags detonated, the one in front of the Joker became covered in lipstick and greasepaint. Unfortunately Jonathan's did little to protect him, as his head hit the glove compartment, knocking him unconscious.

The Joker grabbed Jonathan and pulled him out of the car. He could vaguely remember something about not moving car crash victims, something he thought he had read in a Ray Bradbury story, but he figured Jonathan would feel better waking up in something other than twisted metal.

_Yeah_ , he thought smiling to himself, _I'm a real caring guy._

Jonathan wanted to know what the Joker wanted with him, and frankly the Joker wanted to know too. There was something about him that the Joker wasn't ready to let go of just yet, so he would do anything he could to keep Scarecrow with him, even going to the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Ray Bradbury story Joker mentions is "The Crowd"  
> Though it should probably go without saying, I am in now way involved with Red Robin.  
> Hope you enjoyed reading this, next chapter up soon.


	4. Chapter 4

The Joker raced across the highway in a newly stolen green sedan. Jonathan flopped hopelessly in the passenger seat, flying forward every time the Joker made a sudden stop. He knew that considering the condition of the man beside him he should take it a little slower, but he was no doctor and these minutes might make all the difference.

When they reached the hospital, the Joker slammed on the brakes and Jonathan shot forward, his head cracking with a sickening thud against the dashboard. The Joker got out and dragged Jonathan out of the car. He shot out the locks to a side door and let himself in, trailing Jonathan through the halls to find an empty room. Finding a room, he pressed the call button and a nurse appeared a moment later.

It took her only a second to register the sight before her, and the only thing that kept her from running was the gun she found pressed against her chest.

"Fix him," the Joker rasped in her ear.

"I—I—I can't… I'm not a doctor; this man looks like he needs surgery. I can't do that on my own…"

"Okay, but you can do it? Fine, get yourself a team of your top people…If you fail me I will tell you a funny little anecdote about how I got these scars, demonstrations and everything."

The nurse looked as if she were about to faint. Finally she calmed herself and headed for the door.

"Uh, uh, uh. Where do you think you're going? You can call them from here." He approached her menacingly until her back was against a wall. "I watch 'House' you know," he said, with a certain amount of pride.

By this time the wall was the only thing keeping her upright. The Joker grabbed her by the shoulders and carried her, like a rag doll, to the call button. He shoved her roughly, letting her go. She called for a doctor and another nurse. She then sagged against the bed and slid to the floor. Joker smiled at the nurse, he finally noticed a nametag that read "Maggie."

"Aw Maggie, you look nervous, is it the scars?"

He would have continued, but at that moment two men emerged from the doorway. They were not as observant as Maggie; they rushed straight to the patient's side without once looking the Joker in the face. Well, that just wouldn't do.

"Tell me honest doc, is he gonna be able to play the piano again."

The mocking tone must have gotten through to the doctor, as he looked up with a hint of annoyance in his face.

"I don't think this is any joking matter young man….oh dear god, you're him aren't you!"

"The one and only, and for you information it is always a joking matter," the Joker said with a sneer.

The two men made at once for the door. The Joker was getting impatient with the skittish nature of the medical staff at this facility. He whipped out his gun, and seeing it the retreating men froze.

"I wouldn't want this to turn ugly. Why don't you take a seat and devise some genius treatment method for your patient, in other words do your job." The last words with spoken with a gravity the Joker had trouble maintaining. Sure enough moments later he burst out laughing.

"Okay. Nurse, get me some painkillers, we're going to need them if we want him to wake up."

"Right away." She started hesitantly for the door. The Joker ushered her out, but with a reminder that if she told anyone or didn't return her friends would be little more than stains on the wall. She seemed sufficiently horrified, and the Joker had no doubt she would follow through.

"So doc, how many nurses do you actually need to fix my friend here?"

"Only one, let one of them go, I promise we can get him fixed."

"Okay, one 'letting go' coming right up." The Joker danced forward to where the young nurse was seated. In one fluid motion he opened up an artery, and covered the man's mouth to prevent the yelling from reaching outside the room. When the man had stopped struggling the Joker let the body slump back. He looked over at the doctor, who watched in terrified silence.

"What? I get antsy if I don't kill anyone for a while. When that happens I had trouble sitting still, one minute I'm just standin' there and the next I'm blowing up a hospital very similar to this fine institution. You wouldn't want that would you? Think of the children."

The doctor nodded.

"So wouldn't you say I in fact did the right thing by killing whatshisname over here?"

Anxious to keep from being killed by the Joker the Doctor nodded again. The nurse came back into the room, carrying several syringes and bottles of fluids. She began to set up an IV, and the doctor administered an injection.

"Uh, whatcha putting in him doc?"

"It's just something that will help ease the pain when he wakes up, hopefully that should be any moment now," the doctor said, with just a hint of impatience in his voice.

'Any moment now' turned out to be an hour later. Some of Jonathan's wounds reopened and the doctor could offer no reasonable explanation for the sudden bleeding. When Jonathan finally did wake an audible sigh of relief came from the two medical professionals in the room. The Joker rushed to Jonathan's side and held his hand tightly.

"They tried to take you away but I wouldn't let them I knew you'd pull through, I just knew it" Fake tears rose to his eyes.

"Get off me you buffoon," Jonathan practically shouted, he began to feel weak and light-headed, so he grabbed the bed rail for support. He looked down and noticed his wounds hadn't stopped bleeding, even though, according to the wall clock, the accident must have happened several hours previously. What truly bothered him though was the fact that the shallow wounds continued losing blood as well.

"Why am I still bleeding? What did you give me?"

The Joker rounded on the cowering doctor. "Good question doc, what did you give him?"

"Nothing, just a painkiller."

Jonathan's brow creased. "I was on some meds at Arkham. Antipsychotics can sometimes cause excessive bleeding when combined with anti-inflammatories."

"What should they do?" the Joker queried.

"Nothing, maybe some blood clotting spray or something. I'm not a medical doctor."

Joker looked pointedly at the MD in the room.

"You can pick up that blood clotting spray at any pharmacy, or Maggie can go get you some right now. That should work. After that I believe he should be out of any danger," the doctor said, nodding a bit too enthusiastically.

"Well then, it looks like you have served your purpose," the joker said, an evil sneer growing on his face. The doctor realized his mistake and began to stammer.

"I—I—I—I could be wrong, you wouldn't want to risk it would you? This is your friend's life we're talking about."

"You know what I hate?" the Joker asked, advancing on the cowering doctor, "people who don't have the guts to stick by what they said. I might have let you go, well okay probably not, but now…well"

He pulled out his knife and made quick work of the doctor's face, a hideous grin permanently disfiguring the now openly weeping doctor. The doctor's body began to go rigid, and the tears suddenly stopped.

"He's not dying, just going into shock. In case you were wondering…" Jonathan's weary voice reached the Joker, who turned around delighted his companion had said something.

"I think that just makes it all the more interesting, he's kind of a captive audience."

"Actually it's unlikely that you are going to have any impression on him while he's in that state." The Joker glared at him, "What? I just thought you might want to know," Jonathan said, managing a small shrug.

The Joker stopped glaring and headed over to the nurse, who had been trying, unsuccessfully, to get through the door.

"Now where do you think you're going?" the Joker asked. "I know you know how he got his scars, but how'd you like to hear about mine."

She passed out, and the Joker caught her before she hit the floor.

"You think we should take her with us?" the Joker asked, looking up at Crane and smiling.

"No, I think you've traumatized her enough. You can leave knowing she will likely never recover from what you put her through tonight. In my opinion the long term benefits outweigh the momentary pleasure you can derive from terrorizing her here and now."

The Joker looked down thoughtfully at the woman in his arms. He pulled out his knife and slit her throat, before locking eyes with the Scarecrow.

"Sorry honey, I was never much of a people pleaser."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody. Thanks so much for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

As they exited the hospital, Joker pushed Scarecrow's wheelchair at breakneck speed down the ramp. It would be a little while before the guards found the bodies of the recently deceased doctor and nurses. Jonathan was feeling dizzy from the blood loss, though the supplies from the closet had helped some. He had resigned himself to being jolted every time the wheels hit an obstacle. The Joker broke into yet another car, the one they had driven there in had been towed due to its unusual parking.

This new car was a red pickup truck. Jonathan looked at it with no small amount of disdain, while the Joker seemed overjoyed. He lifted Jonathan into his arms, ignoring the Scarecrow's feeble protests that he could walk on his own, and dropped him into the passenger seat.

….

A while down the road Jonathan noticed that they were headed in the opposite direction of the Joker's hideout.

"Where are we headed? Your rat infested lair is the other way."

The Joker took his eyes off the road, and fixed Jonathan with a hurt stare, "You really think that I would make you stay there after what we've just been through? One fall on that floor and you're on your deathbed with tetanus."

"So where are we headed?"

"We are headed to the Gotham Heights Hotel," he stated smiling, though when the car sideswiped a tree he turned back to the road.

"You think they're going to let you into a five star hotel? That's the kind of place people like Bruce Wayne stay. They aren't going to allow two murderous lunatics to rent out a suite." Jonathan stated patiently.

"Oh honey, I'm not gonna be giving them much of a choice."

….

When they arrived at the hotel, the Joker, contrary to his previous implications, was surprisingly tactful. He sent Jonathan in instead and waited in the car for Scarecrow to come back with the room key. A tap on the window indicated everything had gone smoothly. A pale Jonathan leaned heavily on the side of the car, just barely remaining upright.

"You look terrible. You should see a doctor or something," the Joker said, joining Jonathan's side.

Jonathan just glared, but allowed the Joker to support his weight as they made their way, as quickly and discreetly as possible, across the lobby and into the elevator.

"What floor did you get us?"

"Third"

"You couldn't get anything higher?"

"No"

"Did you try?"

"Not really"

"Fine, be that way!" the Joker huffed, and took to staring at the wall.

Jonathan ignored the Joker's pouting, grimacing at the pain that shot through his body when the elevator came to a jarring halt.

"Here we are!" the Joker said gleefully, his past annoyance forgotten.

He seized scarecrow by the waist and helped him across the hallway, propping him up against the wall as he opened the door.

Once inside, he placed scarecrow on the king size bed and took a look around the room.

"Thanks for getting us just the one bed," the Joker said, sitting down by Scarecrow.

"You threatened to dismember me if I didn't"

"Oh yeah, I did didn't I?"

Jonathan lay back against the pillows, and the weariness that had plagued him since the hospital overwhelmed him. He fell asleep.

The Joker got up from the bed and looked at the room service menu: nothing spectacular and everything overpriced. Typical. He called the kitchen and ordered a bottle of champagne. This was going to be a long night.


	6. Chapter 6

When Jonathan woke up the first thing he did was try to sit. He regretted it immediately. The room began to spin, and he felt like he might pass out. He lay gently back down and suddenly noticed a weight next to him.

He looked over and saw the Joker sleeping, his hands resting on his stomach, emphasizing the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest. He looked so peaceful when he slept. Jonathan felt his clothes grow a little tight and his heartbeat quickened as he looked on his companion.

When he wasn't threatening people with guns or running around laughing like a lunatic, the Joker could be quite attractive, that is if one was into green hair and clashing clothes and Jonathan absolutely was not, right?

He spotted a strand of hair caught in the corner of the Joker's mouth, and as if driven by some bizarre compulsion, he found his hand nearing the Joker's face to brush away the invading tress. Immediately he found his wrist caught in the Joker's vice like grip.

"I know I'm beautiful and all but I think you should wait until you're a little better before you go around molesting me in my sleep."

Jonathan found himself at a loss for words. He just stared at the Joker, as the man opened his eyes. The green blond hair was a mess, and some lipstick had smeared across Joker's face and onto the pillow. The Joker rolled over and wrapped an arm around Scarecrow, resting his head on Jonathan's chest.

"How are you feeling?" Joker asked, in his most sensual voice.

Jonathan leaped out of bed, letting Joker's head hit the mattress, but as soon as he was on his feet he felt himself topple to the floor as if in slow motion. In an instant the Joker was out of bed and at Jonathan's side. He lifted the wounded man onto the bed and laid him back down.

"You should probably eat something; you haven't eaten or drunk anything in a while."

Jonathan looked up at him unsure of how to treat this apparently genuine concern.

"I'm not hungry," he insisted. He realized for the first time that all the curtains in the room were drawn. "What time is it anyway?"

"It's about noon," the Joker said, sitting on the side of the bed and placing his hand on Jonathan's forehead.

Jonathan slapped the intrusive hand away, and felt his face begin to heat.

"If I eat something will you stop mothering me?"

The Joker bounced off the bed, causing Jonathan's head to thud against the pillow, renewing his nausea.

"There's an Italian restaurant across the street. I picked you up some new clothes this morning. I measured you in your sleep so they should fit pretty well. Do you want to choose something out or should I?"

Jonathan shuddered at the thought of the Joker touching him in his sleep.

"You can pick it out."

The Joker looked like a child to whom Christmas had come early. He bounded over to the closet and began sorting through a seemingly endless pile of clothes. Jonathan craned his neck to observe the other man's movements.

"How much stuff did you buy?"

The Joker looked over, his maniacal smile once again dominating his face.

"Who said anything about buying?"

Jonathan rolled his eyes and laid his head back down, silently praying that death would just claim him now.

…..

Unfortunately he was not so lucky, and two hours later he found himself in a black suit sitting in a romantic Italian restaurant across from the Joker. It had taken nearly an hour to get changed, since he had refused to let the Joker help him. The Joker had gotten him a number of suits and hats, apparently 'The Godfather' had been on television the night before, and had nearly thrown a fit when Jonathan had mentioned that it would take him too long to put one on due to his current condition. Why he was doing his best to appease the madman was beyond even him, but there he was, in the suit the Joker said was his favorite of the bunch. A large sum of money and a private room had ensured they were protected from the police, as well as interested onlookers.

Their bottle of wine came to the table, and the waiter poured them each a glass. Jonathan was about to pick up his glass when the Joker spoke.

"Are you sure you should be drinking, considering how much blood you lost?"

Jonathan looked up at him.

"I am, essentially, on a date with you. I am positive I should be drinking."

The Joker's eyebrows shot up and a wicked smile appeared.

"Aw honey, you think of this as a date. I'm so excited; I thought it was just me." With that he reached under the table and rested his hand on Jonathan's thigh. Jonathan flew out of his seat, knocking a glass of water onto the floor. Reluctantly he sat back down, as the room had begun to spin.

"So you aren't that graceful. It's okay; I love you for who you are," the Joker said, this time unable to keep the laughter from his voice.

"You know what I meant."

The Joker just raised an eyebrow and went back to scanning the menu. Jonathan absentmindedly looked over the specials; he had no appetite, but knew that the Joker would not let him off so easy.

When the waiter returned they placed their orders and returned to silence. Jonathan could not understand how the Joker could be quiet for that long; his previous experience told him that the clown rarely stopped talking, yet the Joker was uncharacteristically silent. He still tapped on the table constantly, and his feet seemed to be in perpetual motion, but Jonathan could see his was doing his best to control himself.

When they left the restaurant Jonathan was feeling a little better. The Joker had been right about the food, he had needed it.

They got back to their room and walked through the door. A sudden wave of dizziness possessed Jonathan and he grabbed the Joker to keep from falling. He found his chest pressed up against that of the Joker's.

"Going in for the goodnight kiss? I just want to let you know I don't put out on a first date, unless they're really special, so I guess you're cool." He said smiling.

Jonathan wanted to pull away, but was afraid of meeting with the floor within seconds, so he let the Joker set him down by the bed.

"Go to sleep," the Joker commanded as he left the room, leaving Jonathan alone to wonder what just happened.

…..

When Jonathan woke up he was aware of something cold on his face. The room was dark and he blindly fumbled for the lamp switch, but his hand made contact with the Joker. The lights suddenly came on and Jonathan was greeted by the sight of the Joker sitting over him wielding a straight razor.

"Hey honey, sleep well?"

Jonathan felt his heart began to race.

"What are you doing?" he asked, trying to keep his fear from his voice.

"I'm giving you a shave. Some people can pull off the rugged, unshaven look, but you can't. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this."

Incidentally, Jonathan knew he looked terrible with a beard, he had tried growing one at college. It had come in patchy, and not in a good way (was there a good way?). With the car accident and the hospital incident his facial hair had been the last thing on his mind, but now that he thought about it, his hair was bound to have grown a little.

"So, you decided to shave me in my sleep?"

The Joker considered the question.

"It was bothering me," he stated simply, and as if that fact alone justified shaving another man in his sleep.

Jonathan sighed. If this was going to work out he needed to lay down some ground rules.


	7. Chapter 7

"Okay, rule number one: you do not touch me without my permission," Jonathan stated. He was sitting on the bed looking down at the Joker, who had assumed a child's position on the floor, watching Jonathan expectantly.

"What if you are falling off a building, do I have to ask your permission to save you?"

Jonathan rolled his eyes. "Yes, I think it would be in my best interests if you just let me fall."

The Joker looked surprised. "You don't mean that. Do you?"

Jonathan sighed, "No, I suppose I don't. But you really need to start giving me a little space. I'm not injured anymore, and can take care of myself, not that I don't appreciate that you kept me alive."

The Joker smiled. "I'm glad you're happy."

Jonathan let the Joker ride that high for a moment. He desperately needed to continue his research into the effects of a newly discovered compound in combination with his current fear toxin formula. With the Joker acting like a lovesick three year old on crack that was going to be difficult to do.

"Joker, if you let me focus on my work for the next three days, I will do anything you want for an entire day." Jonathan winced as he heard the words leave his mouth; the Joker was definitely going to make this as painful as possible.

"Okay, is there anything you need me to do?"

Jonathan felt his eyebrows rise. "Why are you being so helpful?"

"I want to earn this," the Joker replied simply.

Jonathan reached over to the desk and pulled out a notepad with the hotel's logo printed on the top. He made a list of the chemicals and equipment he would need, wordlessly he handed it over to the Joker. He looked around the room. It was a large space and he could definitely make it work, assuming they were staying there.

The Joker took the piece of paper and went over to the phone. When he began dialing Jonathan walked to the bathroom. He stood in the light and looked at himself in the mirror. He could see the remnants of the beard that had so upset the Joker. He ran his hand over the stubble. Looking at it, he could hardly blame the Joker for wanting to take matters into his own hands.

He went back into the room and retrieved the razor; he was going to finish what the Joker started.

…..

When he emerged from the bathroom, showered and shaved, he felt a new life in him. His heart nearly stopped when he saw the arsenal the Joker had assembled by the foot of the bed. A few men were wandering around the room assembling weapons and talking amongst themselves. The Joker stood in a corner talking to one of the men. The man was an attractive brunet who could not have been much older than twenty one. Jonathan felt jealousy rise in his chest, but noticing it he quashed the feeling immediately. Instead he strode over to the Joker's side, determined to prove that nothing was wrong.

Reaching the Joker's side he looked on his adversary, the man's muscles were even better defined the closer he got, causing something to hitch in his throat. He felt an urge to grab the Joker's arm and stare the other man down. Thankfully he did not act on this, instead waiting for someone to fill him in.

"Dr. Crane, I am truly a fan of your work, that bit with the water mains distribution was genius," the man said smiling and holding out his hand. "I'm George."

Jonathan warmly shook his hand, but inside he was screaming. He wanted to shout and stomp on George's foot, pulling the Joker to him. He managed a tight-lipped smile. _He's a fan of my work? He must have been about twelve when that went down._

Jonathan looked over at the Joker, searching for his eyes. The Joker was looking at George with an odd concentration; needless to say Jonathan didn't like it.

"We need to start loading the van, why don't you get started on that," the Joker directed at George.

George shrugged, grabbing a bag of ammunition that must have weighed something near what the Joker and Jonathan weighed combined. He threw the bag effortlessly over his shoulder and strode out of the room. Jonathan watched him leave and turned back, only to find the Joker's eyes fixed intently on him.

"So, were you planning on coming along?" the Joker asked, as he loaded his tommy gun and grabbed his knives. "All that blood, it could get kinda messy."

"I might as well, just to make sure we get the right materials," Jonathan replied reluctantly. "This isn't the kind of thing I'd want to do twice."

The Joker grinned. "Well, maybe you don't…"

…

They reached the chemical storage facility at around midnight. The guards patrolling were taken care of and they had the entire warehouse to themselves. Jonathan directed the men's movements, the Joker beside him, checking items off the list. Jonathan reached to pick up a box of test tubes, and found it carefully removed from his hands by George, who offered him a smile that made Jonathan's stomach turn.

The Joker appeared beside and took the box from George's hands, marching them out to the van himself, leaving Jonathan and George confused. George offered Jonathan another smile and Jonathan returned a fake smile, doing his best not to hit him. The Joker returned to the room and advanced on George.

"Don't you have other things to transport?"

George nodded and glanced at Jonathan before making his exit. Jonathan noticed the Joker glaring at George's retreating back. He had to say something.

"Why are you glaring at your henchman?"

"If you love him so much why don't you marry him?" the Joker shouted, storming off, leaving a dumbfounded Jonathan in his wake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

Jonathan stood in the hotel lobby as the henchmen carried boxes to the room. He smiled apologetically at Paul, the doorman, who refused to acknowledge his existence. Jonathan sighed and resumed his supervision of the unloading. The Joker had been missing for over two hours and, as much as he did not want to admit it, Jonathan was becoming increasingly worried. The Joker's behavior was erratic at the best of times and in his current emotional state he could be a danger to himself or others, but most likely others.

Jonathan glanced down at his watch for what seemed like the hundredth time, and it did nothing to quell the feeling of unease. Now that the Joker had mentioned it to him, he did notice that every time George walked by him he smiled in a way that could be considered inappropriate. Jonathan had to straighten this out once and for all.

The next time George walked by, Jonathan called him over and ushered him into the bar area. As he followed George he caught himself admiring the muscles in his shoulders and felt guilty, maybe the Joker was right about everything. Shaking his head, he joined George at the bar.

"Listen, this may be difficult for you to hear, but I am not, nor ever will be, interested in you," Jonathan stated in as flat a voice he could muster.

George looked surprised for a moment, but that expression quickly faded into what Jonathan took to be sadness.

"I understand," George responded, "You love someone else."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean the Joker," George stated bitterly. "I see the way he looks at you, the way you look at him. I just don't get what you see in him. He is a homicidal, manic, scar covered clown, and I know you could do so much better."

(What happened next was something that Jonathan would look back on with an overwhelming sense of shame. When he was young, the other children would tease him for his small frame, call him girls' names and do other things to insinuate that he was not of the male persuasion. This all ended with their untimely demise. Perhaps he owed someone an apology.)

He slapped George.

It was not a manly slap; in fact, it was reminiscent of the slaps delivered by onscreen heroines such as Scarlett O'Hara. Jonathan had no idea what happened, but when he heard his companion being slandered something had risen up inside him.

Jonathan leaned in and hissed, "For your sake I will keep this between us, but if I hear you say one more thing against your employer, I will be sure to tell him, and I know that you will find yourself in a rather shallow grave immediately following my admission… assuming he even bothers to bury you."

With that, Jonathan strode back into the lobby and made his way to the room.

Jonathan sat alone in the hotel room, surrounded by various boxes. He was itching to begin his experiments, but something stayed his hand. The Joker had now been gone for four hours, and Jonathan found himself unable to think of anything else. Thoughts of the Joker's dead body being discovered the next morning paraded through Jonathan's head and his third glass of scotch did little to stop his fears.

An hour and two more scotches later, the door opened and Jonathan opened a bleary eye, only to be greeted by the sight of the Joker looking disheveled, but nonetheless alive.

Jonathan sat up rather clumsily, and balanced himself against the bedframe.

"Where have you been?"

"I went for a walk," The Joker replied.

"A walk? What the hell is wrong with you? Here I was worried sick that something terrible had happened to you and all you can say is that you went for a walk?" Jonathan near shouted with an anger he did not feel. He was too relieved that the Joker was safe.

"Yeah, a walk. What are you, my mother?"

He walked into the bathroom leaving Jonathan speechless. When he returned Jonathan was still rehearsing what he wanted to say.

"I think we should talk," Jonathan finally said.

"What about?" The Joker replied, lazily sitting on the bed next to Jonathan. "Your boyfriend?"

"See, now why do you have to get like that?" Jonathan responded, irritated. "I have absolutely no interest in George, and it is completely unfair for you to keep accusing me of having feelings for him."

The Joker smiled, "I guess I'm just worried that he will snatch you up in his abnormally large arms and carry you away."

Jonathan buried his face in his hands. "You know I'm not some fairytale princess who just gets carried away by giant muscled men, I do have other characteristics that I am more interested in."

"Like a 'killer sense of humor'?" The Joker asked, clearly pleased.

"Like that," Jonathan replied, smiling.

The Joker shifted toward Jonathan on the bed in a way he thought was stealthy, but in reality caused the whole mattress to shift, upsetting the bottle of scotch Jonathan had set on the corner of the bed. Jonathan did not notice the alcohol seeping into the carpet, though he did notice a plastic bag resting by the Joker's feet.

"What's in the bag?"

The Joker pulled out a DVD, and handed it to Jonathan.

Jonathan looked down and was greeted by _The Madness of King George_.


	9. Chapter 9

The next two days went by without a hitch. The Joker had honored his end of the deal and had assisted Jonathan in every way possible, though that mostly consisted of him staying out of the doctor's way. As the final day free from interference and interruptions passed, Jonathan had overall success in the forming of his compound, though this success was overshadowed by the fear he felt when he remembered his side of the bargain.

When the next day dawned, Jonathan had barely slept at all. The Joker had, thankfully, kept his hands to himself, and was currently sleeping soundly beside Jonathan.

Jonathan had always considered himself a good person, a man of his word, but he found himself trying to get up from the bed and through the door without waking the Joker. He would likely be unable to collect his things, so he would be forced to wander the streets in his pajamas, hunger gnawing at him until he was forced to steal food from café tables, and find an archway to live under, hoping and praying that the Joker never caught up with him. Of course the Joker had men everywhere, so he would likely be caught and executed within 24 hours.

Jonathan decided this was a risk worth taking, and tried to lift himself out of bed as gently as possible.

"Morning honey, sleep well?"

Jonathan turned guiltily to look at his bed mate, who was smiling in a way that suggested he knew exactly what had been going through Jonathan's mind. Well, maybe not the part about the food or the archway.

"Fine, thank you for asking," he replied stiffly, and decided to cut to the chase, "What do you have planned for us today?"

"It's a surprise, but we should probably get moving if we want to make it in time." He grinned in a manner that was meant to be seductive, but given his smudged makeup and tousled hair, just came off as eerily maniacal.

Jonathan groaned inwardly before getting dressed. It was going to be a very long day.

…,…,…,…..,…..,….,….,…,….,.,.,.,.,.

The Joker had rented a car and insisted that Jonathan wear a blindfold as they shot through the streets of Gotham. Deprived of his sight, Jonathan was subjected to the sounds of blaring horns as the Joker cut other cars off, ran red lights and stop signs. The Joker kept a nearly continuous stream of words as the car lurched and rounded corners at incredible speeds. Jonathan had trouble focusing on what the Joker was saying, though the last thing he heard was something about how dogs were going to signal aliens to destroy the earth.

When they finally reached their destination, sounds of screams and laughter filled Jonathan's ears.

"You can take off your blindfold now. Hang on to it though, depending on how the day goes we may just find a use for it later."

Jonathan took of the blindfold and looking around realized they were at a carnival.

"Aren't you worried someone will recognize you?"

The Joker smiled. "This place is crawling with clowns; if anything you are the one who will stand out, a weird man with no children hanging around a carnival."

"If that was your way of making me feel at ease, it was a horrible failure."

The Joker got out of the car and sprinted to the passenger side to open and hold the door for Jonathan. They entered the carnival and were greeted by a heavy muscled man in a clown mask who handed Jonathan a bouquet of roses 'From the Boss.' The Joker watched Jonathan's face expectantly and was rewarded with a smile, and a begrudging thank you. The Joker offered Jonathan his hand, which Jonathan took in his, and they headed to the game booths.

By noon the Joker had won Jonathan a teddy bear, two necklaces, a pink pony, and a stuffed crocodile. Jonathan's arms were full, and sensing his discomfort, the Joker signaled the henchclown over to relieve Jonathan of his toys.

Jonathan was getting kind of hungry, and the Joker brought him to the food stand. Jonathan ordered a hot dog and the Joker ordered blue cotton candy. They found an unoccupied park bench and sat down to eat.

The Joker did not touch his cotton candy as he openly stared at Jonathan.

Jonathan cleared his throat. "Is there any reason you keep looking at me?"

"It's not every day you get to see your favorite guy eating a hot dog," the Joker replied with a wink.

Jonathan rolled his eyes and continued his meal, though now incredibly self-conscious. The Joker began his 'meal' and within seemingly a few seconds had cotton candy stuck fast in his green locks. Frustrated, he tried yanking it out and, oddly, that seemed to make it worse. The sun caused the sugar to melt, and the Joker was left with blue sugar streaking down his face and into his eyes.

Jonathan walked with him to the nearest gas station bathroom, where the Joker stuck his head in the sink and Jonathan tried to scrub the sticky substance out of his hair.

"Stop pulling my hair!" the Joker shouted.

"I'm not. How do you even get cotton candy stuck in your hair? That's practically impossible."

"Apparently not," the Joker replied indignantly.

…

When they got back to the hotel Jonathan was uneasy. The Joker did not seem like one for waiting, and Jonathan wasn't sure what he was expecting. The Joker unlocked the door and held it open as Jonathan stepped through.

A small table with a lit candle sat in the middle of the room by the foot of the bed. Beside it was a dining cart with covered dishes and a bottle of champagne chilling in an ice bucket. To say that Jonathan was swept off his feet would have been an understatement. His earlier exposure to the Joker's ideas of romance had left him convinced that he was not disposed to such overtly romantic gestures. He was, apparently, very wrong.

The Joker walked past him and pulled out a chair. Jonathan sat down, barely trusting himself to stand. The Joker took the seat opposite him, and opened the champagne, pouring Jonathan a glass. They clinked their glasses and their eyes met in a way that could almost be described as gazing. Jonathan's heart sped up and he raised his glass to his lips.

As they ate they made little conversation. This was how Jonathan generally preferred to spend his time, in relative silence. He knew the Joker enjoyed talking constantly, so he could only assume that the quiet was a favor for him. He found himself missing the colorful rambling of the Joker, and staring almost lovingly at the lipstick smudge on the other man's glass.

"So, what are you thinking of doing to begin terrorizing Gotham again?" Jonathan attempted.

"I was hoping it would be more of a 'what are _we_ thinking of doing to terrorize Gotham,'" The Joker replied.

Jonathan felt his face heat up in spite of himself. "I'd like that," he responded and immediately began inwardly cursing at how cliché that came out.

The Joker perked up instantly. "Well, I was thinking we could start with the banks. Not the public bank, but the private banks. Ever since my first raiding, the mobs have moved their money into private institutes. Every once in a while I just wanna rile them up. Then I was thinking we could go after Batman himself. We know he has a personal attachment to the commissioner, I think maybe kidnapping the commissioner or his daughter would be enough to get Batman nice and angry; after all, it seemed to work for Harvey Dent."

As the Joker continued laying out his plans Jonathan settled into the cadence of Joker's voice, and for the first time in a long time he found himself utterly relaxed.

The meal was over, and the Joker rose to clear the table. When the dining tray was outside of the room the Joker sat on the bed, next to Jonathan, and took the doctor's hand in his.

"I had a lot of fun today," the Joker said.

Jonathan felt a rush of fear at what he was about to do, but deciding to act in spite of his fears he took the Joker's face in his hands. The Joker looked up, surprise written across his face. Jonathan, taking advantage of the moment, leaned in and pressed his lips against those of the madman beside him.


	10. Chapter 10

When Jonathan pulled back he felt greasepaint smeared across his lips. The Joker was looking at him in a way that, had Jonathan not known the Joker better, he would have interpreted as being stunned.

"….."

and apparently speechless.

Jonathan got up from the bed and walked over to the window. He turned to face the bed where the astonished Joker sat, his moth gaping and his eyes wide.

"Are you okay?" Jonathan finally managed. His heart was going a mile a minute in his chest, and he felt like he might very well be on the verge of a heart attack.

"Yeah, I just never knew you had it in you. I always thought I would have to be the one to bring this crazy sexual tension we had to a close. Frankly, I'm impressed."

"I would be offended by that, but I have a lot on my mind now." _Yeah, like the fact I just kissed a man who would probably as soon kiss me as disembowel me._

"I'm not going to disembowel you, honey. That's not really a part of my mating ritual." The Joker smirked.

"How did you… No, wait, I don't want to know."

The Joker stood and took Jonathan's hand in his.

"I think we are going to have a load of fun, you and I."

Jonathan felt heart flutter, then sink when he remembered the Joker's idea of fun.

"Don't worry, nothing involving my knife collection…unless you want to."

"No, Joker, not really."

"Can't blame a girl for trying."

In silence they looked through the window, out at the Gotham City skyline. Jonathan thought to himself, this really could be fun.

…

The next day the Joker burst into the room holding a dozen roses and a piece of paper. Jonathan raised his eyebrow, questioning what new mania the Joker was about to bring into his life.

"I wrote you a love poem."

Question answered.

The Joker grabbed Jonathan by the hand and sat him down in the chair. The Joker got down on one knee, placed the roses in the doctor's hand, and began to read from his piece of paper.

"Now I've seen your eyes so blue

No other color will hold true

Your lips are pink as roses soft

And full as lungs that have not coughed

Your face is round as the full moon

With skin that's just as shiny too

Your hair is dark as raven's wings

And when you laugh it dandruff flings

Your arms are strong but not too big

That's not to say you are a twig

Your torso's pale as pale can be

You ought to charge admission fee

Your little legs are oh so long

With feet that would inspire song

Another part I've spoke not of

I think you'll find his is because

I still know nothing of it yet

Me to see you have not let

This is, however, no complaint

Though soon I hope we shall acquaint"

The Joker looked up at Jonathan expectantly. Jonathan couldn't resist.

"Oh my god Joker, that was the worst poem I've ever heard in my life." He laughed. "Two year olds have better rhyme schemes, and less insulting imagery. Was you intention to flatter or upset me?"

The Joker picked himself off the floor and snatched the roses out of Jonathan's hand.

"Well I thought it might be a nice gesture, clearly I was wrong. I'm sorry to have wasted your time." The Joker stormed out of the room in a huff. The door slammed behind him, crushing the roses he was carrying. Jonathan looked at the door and burst out in another fit of laughter. Now that he thought about it, it was kind of a nice thing for the Joker to do. Smiling, he picked up a pen and paper.

He could do better.


	11. Chapter 11

Four hours later, the Joker returned. Jonathan lay awake in bed, counting breaths and reciting the periodic table, it was how he had learned to pass the time as a child. As much as he didn't want to admit it, the Joker's absence had left him feeling oddly out of sorts. Frankly, without the madman conducting him, he had no idea what to do with himself. So, naturally, he was relieved when the Joker returned.

The Joker slipped into the sheets next to Jonathan. Wordlessly, they lay there for a few minutes, before Jonathan felt the need to break the silence.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "I'm sorry if what I said hurt your feelings."

The Joker grunted in response and curled into a ball under the flimsy sheets. He had pulled himself to the farthest end of the bed, so no part of him was touching Jonathan.

Jonathan sighed and decided to leave it. He could always discuss it with the Joker in the morning. He turned toward the wall and waited for sleep.

Unfortunately, sleep was not forthcoming for either of them. And they lay there, aware of the other's presence for hours. Jonathan felt the Joker's labored breathing, punctuated by sharp intakes of breath and the occasional whimper.

The Joker lay there unaware of how this mood had suddenly overcome him. Since leaving Arkham, he had been off medication and, while he was in perfect control, there were some times when he almost felt himself regretting his lack of treatment.

It wasn't Jonathan. As easy as it would be to blame him for the feeling of desolation he was experiencing, he knew it would be a lie. He was, at times, a slave to his emotion and, for better or worse, he wouldn't have it any other way.

He took a deep breath and made his way to the bathroom. He stood in front of the mirror and took in his appearance. His eyes were bloodshot and the bags under his eyes, caked with greasepaint stood out. His makeup had run, and black streaks traced his cheeks. He leaned against the sink; suddenly too tired to stand on his own. He took a few deep breaths, and made his way back to the room.

The Joker grabbed his coat, and wearily slung the jacket over his shoulders. He started toward to door, when he found himself unable to move. He turned and found Jonathan holding him by the wrist. Jonathan pushed a piece of paper into Joker's hand, before releasing his grip.

Joker walked out the door and into the streets. He stood under a street lamp and opened the paper. Looking down he read:

O love you try to make me glad

But know you're all I've ever had

Money have I, knowledge too

Worthless though, had I not you

You are to me the setting sun

Telling me my journey's done

Every morning you shall rise

And fix me with your shining eyes

All this tells me love is true

And true is what I'll be to you

The Joker read the last line and felt his eyes fill with tears. Helplessly, he sank to his knees and began to openly weep. He crushed the paper against his breast and collapsed onto the cold sidewalk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit this is kind of a weird chapter.


	12. Chapter 12

The Joker did not return until the next morning, when dawn had cast a pink shade across the room. The bed was empty, and Joker's eyes soon landed on Jonathan, who was asleep in a chair.

The Joker hung up his coat, and set the balled up poem on the desk. He tried to be quiet to avoid waking Jonathan, but when he sat on the bed the mattress squeaked, and Jonathan began to stir. The Joker shut his eyes tight, as if not looking at Jonathan would somehow make the latter unable to see him. Unfortunately the laws of physics continued to apply, and Jonathan's eyes landed on him instantaneously.

"Joker, why do you have your eyes shut? You know I can see you, right?"

The Joker slowly opened his eyes, and tried his winning smile on the tetchy doctor. It didn't work. Jonathan rose and came to the Joker's side, wrapping the madman in his arms.

"I'm just glad you got back okay." Jonathan sighed into the Joker's hair.

The Joker immediately withdrew, "Why are you acting like that? I stormed out, aren't you mad or something?"

Jonathan considered the question

"Not really."

"Why not?" the Joker stubbornly responded.

"Look, it comes as no surprise that you aren't the most stable person, mentally or emotionally, I was kind of expecting the other shoe to drop a lot sooner than it did."

"So you really aren't mad?"

"No, in fact I would be really interested to talk about what you were thinking at the time, if that's okay with you."

The Joker leapt away like he had been burned. He climbed on top of the desk and grabbed the chair, which he held out in as threatening a manner as he could manage.

"So that's all you want, hmmm? You just want to know what's going on in my crazy little head so you can make me one of your case studies. You never even cared; this is just some experiment to you, 'See how long the Joker can hold it together when presented with seemingly genuine affection.' Well I took your bait and am worse off for it. I hope you happy, you've observed my behavioral patterns when I break, and you can write a whole thesis on it. I hope your discovery is worth the time you forced yourself to spend around me; I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you to pretend you cared."

The Joker collapsed sobbing on the desk, his breath coming ragged, and tears running down his face, washing away what was left of his make-up.

"Actually I was wondering what you were thinking so I could avoid triggering a future episode," Jonathan stated; remarkably remaining composed.

"Oh," the Joker replied, sitting up. "Well then forget everything I said."

The Joker tried his winning smile again, and again it didn't work.


	13. Chapter 13

The Joker sat up in bed after what must have been a half hour long nap.

"I've figured out how I'm going to make it up to you," he declared.

"Make what up to me?" Jonathan absentmindedly murmured from his seat by the window, barely looking up from his book.

"My suspecting you of being a traitor was a little harsh. I've decided to let you pick our activities for the day."

"Okay," Jonathan mused. "I think I want to be allowed to finish this book, so you being as quiet as possible for the rest of the day would be perfect."

"Jailbreak!" the Joker happily declared.

Jonathan looked up, "You can't 'jailbreak' a decision. You said I could choose, and I chose."

"Well, choose again!"

Jonathan rolled his eyes, "Fine, I guess I could get back to my work, I seem to have forgotten about it entirely for the past couple of days."

The Joker was practically rocking back and forth by this point. "If you don't pick something we can both enjoy I am going to pick for you. You have one more chance."

The idea of the Joker choosing a 'fun activity' disturbed Jonathan, and he decided to give it his best shot.

"What about a museum?"

To say the Joker looked disappointed would be an understatement. He frowned at Jonathan for a little over a minute, but then he began to smile in a way that made Jonathan more than a little uncomfortable.

"Okay, you win. We'll go to the museum. I guess I'll just have to try to make the best of the situation." He continued to smile ominously.

Jonathan returned to his book, but five minutes later he looked back at the Joker, only to find the madman was still wearing that terrible grin.

The Joker ordered a limousine to pick them up. Once in the car he plied Jonathan with champagne.

"Joker, stop holding a glass of champagne in front of me, I told you I didn't want any."

"But honey, how on earth do you expect to enjoy a museum sober. It's unheard of."

"This may surprise you but some people actually enjoy learning about the world around them, not just trying to blow it up." Jonathan rolled his eyes.

"Okay," the Joker responded, "at least give me a kiss."

Jonathan sighed his assent. Joker took a sip of champagne and leaned in. Jonathan met his lips, only to have the Joker spit champagne into his mouth, which he proceeded to spit all over his own shirt.

"Joker, what the hell?" Jonathan sputtered, trying to wipe off his damp shirt.

"It's not so much that I wanted you to drink, but that you were defying me." The Joker closed his eyes and leaned back into his seat, contented, "Serves you right."

Jonathan looked at Joker, his mouth agape. He blinked hard a few times before sighing and resuming wiping off his shirt.

"You know you're buying me a new shirt, right?"

"Yeah," Joker grinned, "and this time maybe something a little tighter fitting."


	14. Chapter 14

The limo pulled up outside the museum, and Jonathan breathed a sigh of relief. The Joker had kept his end of the deal, but one problem remained.

"How are you going in to the museum? Won't people recognize you instantly?" Jonathan asked.

The Joker drunkenly waved a hand, "Don't worry about it. I know what I'm doing; I'm a master at pulling off a variety of disguises."

Jonathan rolled his eyes. "Wait here," he commanded. He opened the Limo door and let himself out.

"Where are you going?" The Joker called, as Jonathan walked up the steps of the museum. "Don't be long." And finally, after a pause, Jonathan heard the Joker shout, "I love you!"

He kept his head down to keep from advertising how red his face had become. He buried his hands in his pockets, heaved a deep sigh, and entered the building.

A few minutes later he returned, carrying a museum gift bag. The Joker took it from his hands the minute he got back in the limo. The Joker snatched a mask out of the bag, suddenly sober, and tried it on. It was a tiger mask meant for a child, and only covered portions of his face. Jonathan assured him that his being an adult wearing a child's mask would be distraction enough.

They went into the museum and were immediately swept into a tour group making its rounds. The first hall they entered was hosting a display of arachnids.

"Did you know," the tour guide announced, "that there are tiny spiders living in your eyelashes right now?"

The next thing Jonathan knew the Joker swatted him heavily in the eye.

"Ow! What the hell was that about?"

"Well," the Joker explained, "I know how scared you are of spiders."

"I have no fear of spiders," Jonathan angrily sputtered, rubbing his eye. "Besides, they're not really spiders, just related."

"Oh yeah, your spider fear was in a dream of mine." He shrugged, "It felt real though"

Jonathan turned his back on his masked companion, and gave his undivided attention to the tour guide who was now explaining how most spiders are completely harmless. On second thoughts, Jonathan mused, maybe he could study the pattern of the floor.

They moved onto the next exhibition, and Jonathan realized that the Joker had noticed he was being ignored. He was now practically hanging off Jonathan, allowing himself to be physically dragged around the museum. Jonathan was becoming exhausted, but to ask the Joker to stop would mean acknowledging his presence, something he was unwilling to do.

"The power of touch is incredible," the guide droned on, "Physical touch can prevent heart problems in the future."

The Joker stood behind Jonathan his hands wrapped around the other man's waist, and his chin resting on Jonathan's shoulder.

"See, if you want to prevent heart disease you should be a little more intimate. I could tell you about a few ideas I had." With that the Joker slipped his thumb under the waist of Jonathan's pants, and stroked a line across his abdomen.

Acting purely on instinct Jonathan elbowed him in the ribs; hard enough to send Joker back a few steps.

"That hurt," he observed. "You might like some of my ideas for the bedroom after all," he added, smirking.

The next exhibition was on human interaction with the elements, namely fire. Joker wouldn't let Jonathan in, as his experience of the Wizard of Oz taught him that scarecrows and fire do not mix. They instead skipped ahead to another group that was being shown virus evolution.

"That's the one I really want to see." Jonathan said, excitedly.

"No kidding."

They waited in line, but Jonathan realized that at the pace the line was moving that they would likely not make it before the museum closed. He mentioned this to the Joker.

"Stand back honey, I got this," the Joker said, pulling off his mask, and whipping out a gun.

"Alright everybody," He said to the now panicked crowd, "Calm down. My friend and I would just like to cut in front of a few people and see the exhibit, is everybody alright with that."

There was a mass nodding of heads.

"Good, now stand aside."

"We have about five minutes before the police arrive," Jonathan whispered.

They entered the room where the tour guide stood quivering, stammering that everyone should remain calm. The people cowered around the edges of the room, staring in fear at the Joker.

"Alright, you!" the Joker spoke to the guide. "Continue with your presentation, I don't want you to miss a single word, I will come see the exhibition again, and if I find out you skipped anything I will find you and kill you." He paused and began smiling. "Hey, do you wanna know how I got these scars?"

"Not the time." Scarecrow muttered.

"My gorgeous companion is right!" the Joker shouted gleefully. "Do the tour, and I want you people to act like you normally would." He pointed at them with the gun. "I want 'oohs' and 'ahs' and 'I wonder how they do that,' even 'with all those bad germs out there little Timmy is never leaving the house again.'" He paused. "Actually, if I hear that last one I will kill you. After all, it's in little Timmy's best interests."

The tour guide hastily gave his talk, and Jonathan watched, fully attentive. The Joker never once took his eyes off Jonathan's face, observing each minute expression.

When the talk was over the pair ran to the emergency exit, and then out to the front. They found their limo was gone, and the Joker swore to the heavens that when the driver was found he would be put through such pain he would wish he had never been born. The Joker secretly wished that more people betrayed him; torture is not something he gets to do every day. But then, if he did it every day it could become mundane. This and more the Joker thought on as they looked at the empty space where their car should have been.

"This leaves us no choice," Jonathan noted, "We might have to take the subway."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I forgot to post a new chapter this weekend, so I will be posting one today and one tomorrow. Thanks for reading.


	15. Chapter 15

The Joker dragged Jonathan down the steps and into the subway entrance. Unsurprisingly the Joker did not buy a ticket, but rather leapt headfirst over a turnstile. Jonathan followed him, and the Joker grabbed his hand to help him over, despite the fact that Jonathan was perfectly capable of illegally vaulting over the barrier. The Joker held on to his hand as they ran to the platform. They managed to squeeze into a train just as the doors were closing.

"This may have been a bad idea," Jonathan noted, as several alarmed faces turned in his direction.

"You are such a pessimist honey, haven't you noticed that things generally turn out just fine?"

Jonathan closed his eyes and tried taking deep breaths. It wasn't working, the pounding in his chest threatened to break his ribs. He unconsciously gripped the Joker's arm, so tight that blood welled up under his fingernails.

"Hey, you wanna cut it out?" the Joker asked, turning Jonathan's head toward him. When he noticed how tightly Jonathan's eyes were shut and how shallow his breathing had become the smile dropped from his face. "You okay?"

Joker walked Jonathan to the seats, and with a menacing glare sent the trembling occupants scrambling for their things. They sat down, and Joker pulled Jonathan into his lap. By now everyone was staring. The Joker was painfully aware of the fact. He didn't mind people staring at him, after all how can one go around dressed as a clown and be afraid to be noticed, but this kind of staring he would not permit.

Joker stood up, gently placing Jonathan's head against the window. He walked up and down the aisle, daring someone to make a move. When no one did he drew his gun and grabbed a nearby passenger.

"You guys wanna see me blow this guy's head off?"

The passengers made no move.

"Do I take that as a yes?"

Across the train people began tentatively shaking their heads.

"No? Well stop staring! Otherwise I might assume you want a show, and I think you all know what a show I am capable of."

Eyes were immediately drawn to the floor. The Joker looked around. Satisfied he sat back down beside Jonathan, who had recovered considerably.

"Feeling better honey?"

Jonathan flushed red, and covered his face with his hands.

"I can't believe that just happened." Jonathan mumbled into his palms.

"What, that you panicked? It happens to the best of us." The Joker said, wrapping his arm reassuringly around his partner.

"Really?" Jonathan looked up at the Joker.

The Joker started laughing hysterically. "No, I think that makes you one of the most fragile super villains of all time." Noticing that Jonathan seemed hurt he added, "But that doesn't mean I don't love you."

"Oh good for me, I may suck at my profession and be a disgrace to myself, but I have the love of a far superior villain. That makes everything better."

The Joker smiled, "Doesn't it?"

Jonathan leaned against the Joker and closed his eyes.

When they arrived at the next station Jonathan was the first to leave the train, and he received no objection from the other passengers. The Joker followed him, hiding his face as they passed security guards. Once outside the Joker realized he had no idea where he was, and judging by the look Jonathan was giving him he was equally lost.

"Are we lost?" Jonathan asked bluntly.

"It looks that way," the Joker responded. "This could be the beginning of a new adventure."

"It certainly is." Jonathan said, his eye drawn to a nearby rooftop, where the silhouette of Batman was visible.


	16. Chapter 16

The Joker grabbed Jonathan's hand and bodily shoved him into an ally. They were off running in no time.

"Do you think he saw us?" Jonathan panted.

The Joker kept silent as he pulled his choking friend along the streets of Gotham. They found themselves outside a craft shop. Long skeins of wool were hanging in the window, and a small elderly woman sat behind a cluttered counter looking through a magazine.

"Listen, I'll go in and distract her while you come up behind her and knock her out."

Jonathan violently shook his head. "I'm not hitting an old woman. I may not be the world's greatest humanitarian, but even I have standards."

The Joker paused and looked around, his lips pursed. He went up to the side of the building a pried a brick loose from the wall.

"Here," he said passing the brick to Jonathan. "If you hit her with this it's almost like not hitting her at all. A quick tap should do it."

Jonathan tried to give the brick back, but the Joker squashed Jonathan's hands around it. He pushed Jonathan through the door, and quickly marched up to the desk.

"You call this yarn?" he shouted, wielding a soft bundle he had grabbed from a shelf. "I can hardly see my face in it!"

The shopkeeper looked like she was going to have a heart attack. She stared dumbly on as the Joker pressed his grease paint caked face into the knitting she had left on the counter. Jonathan had hidden himself, unable to move. The Joker rounded on him, casting him an accusatory glare. Jonathan stared back.

The Joker, rolling his eyes, leapt over the counter and grabbed the woman forcing her back into a chair. He stuffed her mouth with wool, and tied her up with the yarn she had been knitting. He wrapped her nearly one hundred times before he was satisfied she could not move.

Jonathan, in the meantime, peered out into the street, his eyes searching for Batman, but he saw no sign. The Joker came up beside him, and wrapped an arm around his waist.

"Don't worry, she can't hurt you," he whispered mockingly.

Jonathan turned toward him. "We've both done some pretty bad things in our lives, but this has to be a new low. Let's say Batman shows up, what do you think he'll say if he sees we've tied up someone who's probably a grandmother? Do you have any idea how bad that's going to look?"

The Joker stared into Jonathan's eyes, a hint of amusement tugged at his mouth. He pulled Jonathan to him, planting a gentle kiss on his lips. This cut Jonathan's protests short, and he relaxed in the Joker's embrace.

A shadow enveloped the two of them, as Batman loomed over the window. The Joker swept Jonathan into his arms, and ran behind a shelf, ignoring Jonathan's cries to put him down.

"Don't worry, I'll stall him," the Joker tried to assure Jonathan.

"Really? What are you going to do? Do you have a shark filled tank to dangle the old woman over? Otherwise I don't really see any way out of this," Jonathan angrily responded.

"Don't worry," the Joker whispered, "I'll figure something out."


	17. Chapter 17

When the Joker woke up, his head was throbbing. He raised his hand to his temple, finding what appeared to be dried blood. He lifted himself up on the bed and looked around. It did not take long for him to recognize the bars on the windows, and the walls that slanted ever so slightly to give the impression that the room was even smaller than it was. The screams of the other patients filled his ears as he collapsed back onto the bed and laughed quietly to himself.

‘Well, I’ll be damned.”


	18. Chapter 18

Jonathan paced around his cell. They would be allowed in the rec room in one hour. He knew the schedule like the back of his hand, and they never changed it. It would be his best chance of finding Joker, assuming he was even awake.

Everything had happened so fast. Batman appeared, as if out of nowhere, knocking Joker unconscious. Jonathan didn't see the point of fighting after that. He meekly followed Batman as the latter carried Joker's unconscious body to the Batmobile. That was one part of the story he was not looking forward to telling Joker. Jonathan sat back down on the bed and did his best to fall asleep.

An hour later a guard unlocked Jonathan's cell and led him to the rec room, shackling his hands and feet, apparently protocol had changed at least a little. Jonathan searched every cell they passed for some sign of the Joker, but found none. It was possible the Joker was in the infirmary. He had not woken up during the car ride and, from Jonathan's experience, that was never a good sign.

When he entered the rec room he found the area nearly deserted. A few patients milled about the periphery, but no one Jonathan recognized, a fact for which he was grateful. After a scan of the room his eyes landed on a mop of green blond hair. The Joker was sitting in a corner staring mutely at the wall. Jonathan felt a rush of fear overwhelm him. He ran as best he could given the shackles to the Joker's side, kneeling on the cold floor.

"Joker, can you hear me?" Jonathan whispered forcefully.

The Joker did not respond, his eyes fixed on a crease in the wallpaper. Jonathan grabbed Joker's arm and shook him.

"Did they give you something? Answer me now!" Despite his best efforts Jonathan felt tears coming to his eyes. "I can't be in this alone. Not now!"

Jonathan waited for a moment more beside the nonresponsive Joker, before finally standing. He turned to head back to his cell, when he felt two arms grab him from behind, and hold him tight.

"Aw honey, I'm just messing with ya. But it's real nice to hear you care. For a shrink, you sure do bottle things up."

Jonathan spun around. "Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how worried I was?" He angrily shoved Joker off his arm.

Joker responded by grabbing Jonathan and holding him tighter. Their noses pressed together, and Jonathan was aware that the tip of his nose would be coming away from this encounter covered in greasepaint. Joker stuck his lips out so they just barely grazed Jonathan's. Joker held Jonathan in that position, awaiting reciprocation. Minutes went by before Jonathan finally caved, giving Joker a very quick kiss on the lips. Joker seemed satisfied, and after a final rib-crushing squeeze finally released him.

Jonathan adjusted his glasses and wiped his nose off on his shirtsleeve. "So, how are you getting us out of here?"

The Joker raised his eyebrows. "I could get us out of here like that." He snapped his fingers and an evil grin came to his face. "But I have a better idea."

Jonathan groaned inwardly, "And what would that be?"

"You know what everyone loves?"

Jonathan could actually feel his brain cells dying.

"A clown?"

Joker looked surprised. "No, but that's good. I should write that down."

"What is it?" Jonathan sighed.

The Joker looked positively gleeful.

"A competition."

"A competition?" Jonathan repeated.

The Joker was practically dancing. "Yeah, we see who can break us out of here first. And the winner gets something."

Jonathan raised his eyebrows, "And what would that something be?"

"I was thinking the loser would have to make a cake, the winner's choice of course."

Jonathan straightened up. "Fine, but I am at a distinct disadvantage. You are more experienced than me in breaking out. I should get a one day head start."

Joker stuck out his hand. "Deal."

Jonathan took his hand and at that point noticed something that he realized should have been obvious.

"Why am I the only one here wearing shackles?"

Joker looked away coyly. "I may or may not have started a rumor that your experiments gave you super strength that could only be controlled with iron chains. But before you get mad I would remind you that the clock is ticking." Joker looked at his watchless wrist, counting silently. He suddenly jerked back, letting go of Jonathan's hand. "And Break!"

I-I

Jonathan walked back to his cell. His hour of therapy with the new psychiatrist, Dr. James, had been painfully slow. He refused to answer any questions, and she refused to move on to the next patient. Jonathan thought hard about a way to escape, if only to avoid another awkward session.

When he entered his room he saw Joker seated on his bed, holding a box of chocolates.

"How did you get in here?" Jonathan asked.

Joker leaned back. "I have half the guards here on my payroll, the other half are just plain scared of me."

"And the chocolates?"

Joker opened the box and offered them to Jonathan. "For my paramour."

Jonathan winced at the use of the term, but sat down next to Joker, resting his head on the other's shoulder.

"So, how are you going to get us out of here?" Joker asked.

Jonathan leaned back on the bed. "I don't have a plan."

Joker stood up, walking the length of the cell. "I already have ten possible escape plans. So either you're secretly dumb, or else there's something keeping you here."

Joker threw the chocolates to the floor and stormed out of the room, leaving Jonathan speechless.

I-I

The next morning Jonathan woke up to see the Joker's face inches away from his own. He sat up suddenly, and Joker pulled his face back just in time to avoid a broken nose. Jonathan put on his glasses, and took in the image before him. Joker sat on the edge of his bed, looking somehow more disheveled than usual. He was holding another box identical to the chocolate box he had brought in yesterday. Joker ran a hand through Jonathan's hair, and placed the box in Jonathan's lap.

"In that box you will find what you desire." Joker whispered in Jonathan's ear. Jonathan could feel Joker's warm breath even after the words were spoken, and a chill of anticipation radiated down his spine. Joker slid a hand across Jonathan's stomach and leaned in again.

"Open it." He whispered.

Jonathan reached his trembling hands to the box, and slid the lid off. Inside the box lay one human heart. Jonathan stared at the contents bewildered.

"Who?" He asked, the heart still laying in his lap.

"Dr. James." Joker spat "Sorry, I know how close you two were."

Jonathan rolled his eyes, placing the box on the floor.

"You're jealous again?"

Joker pulled himself onto the bed, and threw an arm and a leg over Jonathan. Jonathan felt the wind knocked out of him as Joker's knee made sudden contact with his diaphragm.

"I saw you doing this little sexy walk leaving her office," Joker growled in Jonathan's ear.

"Sexy walk? I was in shackles, I think what you're referring to is technically known as taking baby steps so I don't fall flat on my face"

Joker ignored this and pressed on. "Well, you've had your day, now I'm getting us out of here," Joker paused for a moment, lost in thought. "The only question now is what kind of cake do I want."

 


	19. Chapter 19

Breaking out of an asylum turned out to be easier than Jonathan had anticipated. Well, easier in the sense that if a guard thinks his wife is being held captive by the Joker, he is a bit more malleable than your run of the mill attendant. Jonathan and Joker were smuggled out in body bags within an hour of Joker contacting the guard in question.

Jonathan stared at the Joker as they barreled down the road in a newly hotwired car. The Joker seemed to be concentrating on the road, but would occasionally close his eyes and slam his foot down on the gas. After he had done this three times Jonathan was fed up.

"What the hell are you doing?" he shouted as he saw Joker's eyelids lower.

Joker looked up as if shocked.

"It was kind of a boring ride, can you blame a guy for wanting to spice it up?"

Joker's hand crept over to rest on Jonathan's upper thigh. Jonathan could feel his blood pumping toward his abdomen, and lower. His breath caught in his throat, and he swallowed hard. He put his hand over Joker's, and removed the clown's hand from his leg.

"I'm sorry Joker, I'm just really tired. I'd like to get some rest now."

Joker pulled his hand back as if burned. He latched both hands onto the wheel hard enough that his knuckles turned bone white, and lowered his head so his eyes were barely over the wheel. Jonathan rolled his eyes and leaned back in his seat, drifting off to sleep.

II—II—II—II—II

Joker lifted the covers up, and placed Jonathan gently on the bed. He placed his hand over the other man's chest and let it rest there a minute. He could feel Jonathan's steady heartbeat through his shirt, and he felt his own speeding up. Joker gently brought his lips to Jonathan's brow, and his mouth was soon slick with Jonathan's sweat. When he pulled back he saw a light smear of red across Jonathan's forehead. He brought his sleeve up to wipe it away, but at the last moment changed his mind, leaving it there.

"So all the world knows you're mine." He whispered in Jonathan's ear before turning out the lights and slipping into bed beside him.

II—II—II—II—II

When Jonathan woke up his head was pounding. He looked around expecting to see the interior of the stolen car, and was surprised to see what appeared to be an exquisitely decorated bedroom, though it was all rather blurry. He kicked the covers off, thankful to see he was still dressed.

 _Joker._ The thought came barreling to the front of his mind. He looked around but could see no trace of the man. His head was still pounding, so he decided to rest a moment before trying to get up.

Jonathan had just fallen asleep when the sound of a door slamming caused him to sit up. Joker bounded into the room holding a grocery bag. He reached in and hurled something at Jonathan, hitting him squarely in the jaw. Jonathan picked up said object and squinted at the label, it was at that moment he realized he was missing his glasses. The glasses were thrown, hitting him in the chest seconds after this silent revelation. He put them on, and read the label.

"Ibuprofen?" he glanced up at Joker. "How did you know?"

Joker smiled sheepishly at the floor.

"Before you get mad, know I did it for your own good. You just seemed so tired, and I think the amount of planning I put into this should be taken into consideration."

Jonathan winced. "What did you do?"

"Before we left Arkham I stole some tranquilizers. After you dozed off I injected them, so you were able to sleep while I acquired a house and transported you." Joker took a bow. "You're welcome."

Jonathan was truly speechless. He was torn between anger at having been drugged, and astonishment at Joker thinking he had done some great deed. In the end Jonathan decided to take the path of least resistance.

"Thank you," he said, but could not resist accompanying this with an eye roll.

Jonathan realized this was a mistake, when Joker charged toward the bed, jumping on it with such force that Jonathan could swear he saw stars. Jonathan felt Joker's arms tighten around him as all the air was squeezed from his lungs.

Joker pressed his lips against Jonathan's ear murmuring, "Take your pills, I have big plans for you today."

II—II—II—II—II

After two ibuprofen and a cup of coffee, badly brewed by Joker, Jonathan was feeling like himself again. He sat across the kitchen table from Joker, as the other read an upside down newspaper commenting every minute or so on currency exchange rates. Jonathan would never admit it, but the suspense was killing him.

"Okay, what is your big plan for today?" he asked, assuming an expression of indifference.

Joker looked up from the paper, raising one eyebrow.

"I'm glad you asked." Joker shot up from his seat and grabbed a magazine off the table, shoving it into Jonathan's hands.

Jonathan looked down and found himself face to face with a recipe for chocolate soufflé. He looked up to see Joker watching him expectantly. Jonathan felt panic well up in his stomach. He could make a fear toxin that would cause the loss of thousands of innocent lives, he could use psychological tactics to bend others to his will, and all without batting an eye. However, the idea of baking a soufflé filled him with an eerie sense of dread.

The Joker came to stand behind Jonathan, whose eyes were still fixed on the magazine in a state of temporary paralysis. Joker leaned over Jonathan's shoulder and whispered in his ear:

"I want my damn cake."


	20. Chapter 20

Jonathan walked down the sidewalk, the magazine page containing the recipe crumpled in his pocket. He appreciated spending some time alone, away from the Joker’s maniacal stare. Despite the painkillers his head was still sore, and he squinted against the noon sun.

He could hear movement behind him, and he was overcome by the feeling that someone was following him. To confirm this, he turned down an alley. The footsteps came closer behind him and he spun around, only to come face to face with a man in a ski mask.

“Give me all your money, pretty lady, and you won’t get hurt.”

Jonathan shoved his shoulder, and walked swiftly past.

“Knock it off, Joker.”

The masked figure stood still a moment, dumbfounded, before jogging to catch up to Jonathan.

“How did you know it was me?” the Joker asked, pulling off the mask.

Jonathan rolled his eyes. “Your ski mask is literally covered in greasepaint. That was my first clue. Second, I don’t think many muggers would address me as “pretty lady”.”

“They would if they saw that mouth of yours,” the Joker muttered, looking down at his feet in disappointment.

“What are you doing here anyway? Weren’t you going to lay low until I got back?”

“I tried, but it turned out to be very difficult,” Joker whined. “I tried watching TV, but nothing good was on. Then I tried one of the exercise DVDs I found, but I just ended up with an eyeful of sweat and greasepaint. That’s when I decided to snoop around, and I came across the ski mask. I think you can put together the rest.”

Jonathan glanced at his watch. “I’ve been gone for almost exactly two minutes.”

“Take it as a compliment, I missed you.” Joker wrapped his arms around Jonathan’s waist and held tight as he let the rest of his body become dead weight.

Refusing to give in Jonathan continued walking. With every step he hauled the Joker’s body alongside, the Joker’s shoes scraping sickeningly against the pavement. Jonathan could already tell this would be one of his more interesting trips to the store.

When they arrived at the store, the Joker put his mask back on.

“So no one recognizes me and panics, see?”

Jonathan rolled his eyes.

“So you don’t think a man in a ski mask will be a problem?”

Joker pondered this a moment, before slapping Jonathan’s thigh.

“I’ve got it, we’ll do disguises.”

Apparently in this instance Joker’s idea of a disguise was to make Jonathan give him his glasses. Jonathan tried to fight him off, but when the Joker pressed an elbow to Jonathan’s neck he decided it might be easier to just let the Joker have them.

The Joker, in his newly acquired glasses, led Jonathan by the hand. Jonathan could only see vague shapes, so he allowed the Joker to pull him along. As cars began honking, and pedestrian’s screamed, it occurred to Jonathan that the Joker probably couldn’t see much of anything given the strength of the prescription.

By some miracle, they managed to make it to what Jonathan presumed to be the grocery store. The Joker let Jonathan go, and Jonathan stood still, hoping to get his bearings. A moment later his glasses were hurled at him, colliding sharply with his chin. Putting them on, and found that Joker had decided a large sunhat was more his style, as he was sporting a bright red, wide brimmed hat.

 _At least it partially covers his face._ Jonathan sighed. He pulled the magazine page out of his pocket, only to have it snatched away by Joker.

“I’ll take this,” the Joker smirked.

“What’s first on the list?” Jonathan asked.

“Sugar.”

Jonathan wordlessly headed toward the baking aisle, with the Joker close on his heels.

When they reached the sugar, Jonathan studied the selection, trying to make a choice. The Joker wrapped his arms around Jonathan, resting his chin on Jonathan’s shoulder.

“How are you going to choose?” The Joker whispered against his ear. Jonathan could feel the Joker’s breath on his neck, and felt his own lungs hitch a little at the contact.

“Get off me.” He elbowed the Joker in the ribs.

The Joker spun him around, so they were face to face.

“I like those first two words,” the Joker said. “Let’s see if we can make that a reality.”

Jonathan took a deep breath, and turned back toward the shelf.

“Do you want your damn soufflé or not.”

“I don’t see how this is an either-or situation.”

Jonathan sighed. “Why don’t we split up, you take this half of the list, and I’ll get the other,” he said, tearing the page in half.

The Joker’s eyes lit up. “Like a race.”

"No, not--”

The Joker had already sprinted away, nearly knocking down a potato chip display.

 _Whatever._ Jonathan thought, adding a bag of sugar to his basket. _Next, vanilla._

When Jonathan had assembled the items on his list, he went in search of the Joker, who had been disturbingly absent. What he discovered was far worse than anything he could have imagined.

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everybody! This is the final chapter, thanks so much for reading!

Jonathan came face to face with Joker. He could not quite make out Joker’s expression from beneath the fallen brim of the red sunhat, but what he could see, he didn’t like. The lips were stretched into a wide, manic smile, and Joker’s eyes were gleeful.

“What are you holding?” Jonathan asked, already feeling tired.

Joker stepped closer, until his nose was only a centimeter from Jonathan’s. The greasepaint coated man’s breath was hot against Jonathan’s cheek, and already Joker’s mouth was curved with menace.

“This is my soufflé, isn’t it?” He tilted his head to the side, speaking in a gentle murmur. “I want my flavors.”

He held a bottle of mint extract and a bunch of dried lavender in his hand. Joker brought his fists up to Jonathan’s eyes, brushing the eyelids with the purple flowers. Jonathan blinked forcefully and tried to pull back, but Joker seized him by the throat.

“You wouldn’t happen to be disrespecting my color scheme, would you?” Joker whispered, holding Jonathan in place, while he ran the lavender flowers over his face.

Jonathan rolled his eyes, relenting to the clown’s manhandling. “You do know that the mint extract isn’t even green: it’s clear. Are you at least done with your half of the list?” he asked, changing the subject.

Joker kissed the end of Jonathan’s nose, leaving a smudge of red paint. He crumpled the list up, and stuffed it down the back of Jonathan’s shirt.

“Nope, I’m gonna to shoplift these, you get the rest.” Joker glared at him. “Don’t be late.”

Jonathan shook the paper free from his shirt and watched Joker leave the store, somewhat less than discreetly, given the way he kicked open the door and blew a kiss to Jonathan as he left.

Jonathan got the rest of the ingredients, and returned to their new hideout. He enjoyed the final moments of peace as he approached the door. Even from outside, he could hear Joker clanging pots and pans in the kitchen.

“I’m back,” Jonathan said as he let himself in.

Joker rushed from the kitchen, an apron tied around his neck like a cape. The fabric fluttered behind him as he sprang on Jonathan, slamming the other man against the wall.

The grocery bag fell to the ground with a thud, and Jonathan could practically hear the sound of egg shells cracking. Joker grabbed Jonathan’s wrists and brought them over his head, pinning them against the wall. He began to kiss Jonathan’s face, pressing his body against that of the squirming scarecrow.

“You were gone so long,” Joker murmured between kisses, “I had almost forgotten your face.”

Jonathan rolled his eyes, trying to surreptitiously straighten his glasses against Joker’s forehead. All he managed to do was get greasepaint across the lens.

“Joker, I left about thirty seconds after you. I even saw you in the street,” he said, attempting to break free.

“In love, thirty seconds feels like a lifetime,” Joker crooned against Jonathan’s cheek.

“Do you want the damn soufflé or not?” Jonathan said, pulling one of his wrists down.

“Well, I never,” Joker exclaimed, letting scarecrow go.

Joker sprinted back to the kitchen, the apron streaming in his wake. Jonathan picked up the groceries and, with a sigh, followed the clown.

He set the ingredients out across the ample countertop, and smoothed out the recipe Joker had torn from the magazine.

Joker rolled up Jonathan’s sleeves and tied an apron around his waist. When he was done, he stepped back and admired his handiwork.

“You look so handsome,” he said, tears springing to his eyes.

“Thanks,” Jonathan said, turning back to the recipe.

In spite of himself, he could feel he was blushing a little. He knew his face was covered in patches of greasepaint from Joker’s earlier affections, but he decided to just take the compliment.

“What first?” Joker asked, tying his own apron properly.

He appeared remarkably serious, and Jonathan was almost taken aback.

“Why don’t you butter the soufflé dish,” Jonathan said.

Joker sprang into action, scooping his hands into the butter, and throwing a veritable fistful into the dish.

“Way too much,” Jonathan corrected. This was met with a glare from Joker, but the clown fixed it.

Jonathan put milk in a saucepan, and threw the dried lavender in, along with the mint and vanilla extracts. He watched it come to a boil, and could already smell the floral fragrance filling the kitchen.

Joker was sitting on the counter, watching Jonathan with his head cocked to the side. They waited an hour as the lavender steeped, Jonathan watching the pot, and Joker continuing to study Jonathan.

Jonathan began combining the flour and sugar, when he lost sight of Joker. Suddenly, he felt someone behind him. Joker took Jonathan into an embrace, before overlaying his hand on Jonathan’s, taking control of the movements of the whisk.

“Joker, this is really weird, let go.”

“You’re my gal, I can’t let you go it alone,” Joker whispered in Jonathan’s ear.

Jonathan gave up, and let Joker manipulate his hand like a puppet. When Joker was satisfied that the ingredients were well-combined, he dropped the whisk on the counter and lightly bit Jonathan’s earlobe. This caused Jonathan to jump, almost knocking over the bowl.

Joker grabbed the cooled milk, and dumped it into the bowl. The milk splashed over Jonathan’s hands and onto his clothes. Jonathan sighed as he picked the lavender pieces out of the milk. Finally, he put it in the saucepan over heat, whisked everything into a paste, added the egg yolks, and stuck it in the refrigerator.

In what turned out to be a mistake, Jonathan put Joker in charge of whisking the egg whites.

“Are they done yet?” Joker asked after twenty seconds.

“No, stiff peaks.”

Joker threw the whisk to the floor in anger, and tossed the bowl of egg whites across the room to Jonathan. Jonathan miraculously caught the bowl, though a little spilled on his apron.

“I quit, call me when it’s done,” Joker said, storming from the room.

Jonathan finished making the soufflé, and put it in the oven. Thanks to Joker’s antics, he was covered in flour, egg, and batter. He went into the bedroom to relax while he waited, and sank down on the edge of the bed.

As if supernaturally summoned by Jonathan’s moment of relaxation, Joker appeared in the doorway.

“You looking for me?” Joker asked seductively.

Jonathan raised his eyebrows. “Do I appear to be looking for you?”

Joker sauntered across the room. He set his knees on either side of Jonathan’s hips, pulling himself into the other man’s lap. Joker cradled Jonathan’s face in his hands, gazing into his eyes.

“You don’t appear not to be trying to appear like you weren’t looking for me earlier.”

Jonathan honestly didn’t have the energy to go back over what Joker just said. Instead, he dropped back onto the bed, and he felt Joker shift to sit on his stomach.

“I can’t breathe,” Jonathan said.

“Baby, you take my breath away too,” Joker responded.

“No, you’re crushing me,” Jonathan grumbled.

Joker reached down and placed his hand over Jonathan’s mouth. He used his other hand to pinch Jonathan’s nose closed.

“How about now?”

Jonathan tried to knee Joker off of him, but he only succeeded in knocking Joker forward. Joker landed, sprawled on top of him. Still, at least he could breathe.

“Stepping things up, are we?” Joker asked, laying lazily across Jonathan’s reclining form. “I didn’t think you were ready for that,” he murmured, running his thumb over Jonathan’s lower lip.

A beeping sounded in the kitchen, and Jonathan looked up at Joker. His heart was beating rapidly, and he was strangely sorry for the intrusion caused by the timer.

“I should get that,” Jonathan stammered, his voice hoarse.

Joker looked down at Jonathan, as if studying his features. He made no attempt to move.

“Seriously, it’s going to burn,” Jonathan said, pushing his palm against Joker’s chest.

Joker finally lifted himself up on his elbows, forcing Jonathan to crawl out from under him. Jonathan dropping to the floor, the bedpost knocking the back of his head. Annoyingly, Joker immediately got up and followed him into the kitchen.

Jonathan pulled the soufflé out, setting it on the counter.

“Enjoy,” Jonathan said incredulously. The smell of mint and lavender was overpowering.

Joker stuck a spoon into the center of the dish, filling his mouth with the piping hot cake. Jonathan cleared his throat, and Joker looked up.

“How is it?” Jonathan asked, as Joker had not yet said a word.

Joker pulled Jonathan into an embrace.

“It is the greatest thing I have ever tasted. It is truly a work of art: a masterpiece any museum in the world would be lucky to have.”

Joker took another spoonful, and held it out to Jonathan. Jonathan let Joker feed him the bite, as he was somewhat curious.

It tasted exactly as he expected: like a mix of toothpaste and perfume.

“Well, I’m glad you liked it,” Jonathan said.

“I loved it,” Joker exclaimed, his eyes locking intensely with Jonathan’s.

“Okay.”

Joker finished it in a few more bites. He grabbed Jonathan by the wrist, pulled him into his arms, and dragged him back to the bedroom.

“Now, where were we…”


End file.
